King of the Castle! : One Minute Can Change Everything

We have all been there. We have had that one experience that changed our lives forever. You wake up the same person you have always been, but go to sleep a different person because of one single event that happened during the day that changed you forever. Most of us have probably had a few - both good and bad - throughout our lives. I know I am blessed to say that I have had a multitude of positive experiences that have transformed my life and shaped who I have become today. Family vacations to Florida every summer. Dairy Queen outings every Friday with my Dad after school. Seeing my name on the cheerleading list in 6th grade (yes, that was a defining moment for a 12 year old!). My parents always supporting me and cheering me on no matter what throughout my whole life. Having an amazing sister to turn to for everything. Getting accepted into U of I and then ISU for Grad School. Accepting my first job and moving to Minneapolis with Darin. All of the many conversations/phone calls I have had with my Mom throughout the years. Darin proposing to me in front of our families. My Dad and I holding hands tightly as he walked me down the aisle to give me away to my future husband, all of us with happy tears in our eyes. Saying, "I Do" and feeling like a Princess on my wedding day. Being welcomed into the Weber family with open arms. Becoming an Aunt. And, of course, holding my sweet baby boy and looking into his eyes for the first time. These are all moments that make my heart leap. They bring me back to a place that is filled with nothing but happiness and excitement.

Of course, with the good comes the bad. I also distinctly remember NOT making cheerleading in 8th grade (as a dramatic 14 year old, yes, my life was over). My parents letting me know that a grandparent had passed. Receiving the call that one of my best friend's dad passed away. Having to say goodbye to our family pets when it was their time. Getting the call that one of my dearest friend's husband had passed. My parents sitting my sister and me down to tell us that Mom had been diagnosed with cancer. The call from my Dad to let me know that my sweet little niece, Lauren, had gotten her angel wings before we would get the chance to meet her. All of these events hover over me like a swarm of black fog. I can seriously feel the emotions I felt during each of these events and it is no less painful each time I remember. I know that life is full of surprises, both good and bad, and that these are the types of events that can make or break us.

I recently had two more of these experiences. To my surprise, I found out I was pregnant in April. Darin and I were shocked, but thrilled. However, the pregnancy was not progressing correctly and the loss started on Mother's Day (yeah, that seems fair). We were both upset, but knew that the timing wasn't right or that something just wasn't right with the baby. I accepted that and moved on - wasn't sure I was ready for 2 kids under 2 anyway. Fast forward a little less than 2 months and surprise, I find myself pregnant again. This time everything seemed perfect. We felt confident, my levels were perfect and we saw the baby and its beautiful heartbeat twice. On Monday, September 10, in just one blink of an eye, our world was turned upside down. I went to the doctor just to check on the baby only to find out there was no heartbeat at 10 weeks. I replay that conversation over and over in my head and see that tiny little baby on the screen when I shut my eyes at night. Why did this happen? I just don't understand. I have a healthy marriage to a man whom I love so deeply. We have amazing families who would drop anything for me, Darin and Jameson (and even Hoyt!). If you read just one line from any of my blog posts, you will see how insanely deep my love for my child is and I know I have more of that to share. So, why? Why? Why? My body showed no signs this was coming and we had just seen a healthy baby not even two weeks before. I honestly felt my heart break in that instant and the pain is so paralyzing that it is hard to move forward at times.

Even though the pain is so raw right now and I am angry, devastated and confused, I have to understand that things just happen. There doesn't have to be a reason for everything. However, I have to have faith that this is all part of the bigger picture and I will someday maybe understand why these things happen when they do. Case in point: 42 years ago yesterday, my Dad stepped on a booby trap in Vietnam. He spent time in the hospital, but had the strength to fight. One slight change in that day's events and maybe my Dad wouldn't be here today, nor would I or Lindsay, Braden, Madison or Jameson and my Mom's world would be completely different. I am sure my Dad has reflected on this experience a million times throughout his life and I am sure he would tell you that one minute changed him forever. I am definitely thankful that things happened the way they did that day and it is a beautiful reminder that life does not always happen how you want it to - it just happens and you have to go with it or it will break you.

I look around me - at the pain and joy people feel each day. And, then I look at my sweet Jameson and my blessed life and know that I have no control over the good and the bad that happens in life. I can pray, I can go to church, I can be a good person and bad things still happen. Such is life. It is what I do with the experiences that define me. Whenever I feel that paralyzing fog approaching, I just look at what I have and know that it will all fall into place how it should - all in perfect order. I can also look to my sister, my Mom and my Dad and draw inspiration from their strength. I do have faith that one day we will be blessed with our rainbow baby. Until then, I will lean on my amazing family, husband and in-laws and love/squeeze the heck out of Jameson, as he truly is my sunshine through the dark clouds. It is pretty incredible how my world is instantly brighter with him by my side. And, because of him, I have faith that things really do work in perfect order.